It feels healthier to have it over ice

 

    I feel like absolute shit. Maybe more than shit; I feel like hell. I'm doing my stress thing again, the one where I start getting depressive and delusional when I get too overwhelmed. I convince myself of dumb things; unreal things that I use to make myself more miserable. A part of me finds comfort in being depressed. like a hailstorm almost, a comforting memory, but when it happens, you feel stressed. To put it plainly, I'd rather be inside during a hailstorm; nowhere near the hurling ice. But when I was depressed, I feared everything but that fear was only for a moment and gave way to emptiness. The emptiness was familiar, like the smell of hair dye or my mom's old perfume. A strange facet of me found it perfect. Like when the suicidal thoughts and desperation to hurt myself fell away, it was a moment of silence. When you have nothing to feel, your moments become longer; you are inseparable from the sounds of your heartbeat and every other noise is thunderously loud. That one moment of empty peace where the world didn't feel cruel; a part of me misses it. 

        However, I don't want to be depressed, even if some parts feel so comforting. Feeling emotions is innately human; I want to participate in being human. That conclusion begs the question of how to deal with my stress and slipping back into unemotional hysteria. The truth is, I have no clue. Am I stuck like this forever? Am I forever cursed to be a stressed-out weirdo? Probably not. I know how to calm myself down from irrelevant delusions, but getting to the core issue takes time. If I don't get to the core issue,  I'm the proud loser of Stress City. I don't know where to go from this limbo; up or down, the direction is shrouded in darkness.

    As long as I try my best and keep my head above the tide, I'll be okay. 

                  




                                                                                    "I envy everything that doesn't have to be pretty to live"