Hold me and squeeze me and never let me go

     I'm terrified of being abandoned, it's my biggest fear. The idea of someone leaving me behind with no good reason is the most frightening thing. Recently, that fear has become more prevalent; breakup season, sibling disputes, and parental torment are far too stressful. It doesn't help that I worry about every little thing; all my little worries eventually become big worries; now I'm stuck in bed thinking 50 thoughts a minute, thanks brain. The point is, I don't want to be alone; I hate being alone. It's being stuck with yourself (if you can't tell being alone with my brain is like being alone with a child) I need someone to be stuck with me. 

   I worry too much about abandonment, it floats in my head every day. One wrong move and there goes everyone you love. Car crashes, liver failure, not being pretty enough, it haunts me. I feel the need to be perfect so people don't leave me; it's ridiculous, but when people see me in a vulnerable state, I feel as if they'll leave me faster. I hate being vulnerable for that reason, I don't want people I care about to see a part of me that pushes them away. I'm like my mother in that sense; it seems every day my flaws are becoming familiar. She also doesn't want to be left alone, I think I get it from her. 

    I don't want my dad to die or leave, I don't want my mom to succumb, I don't want to disown my brother and I don't want my boyfriend to find someone better. I'm scared of all of it; I just want some piece of mind that nothing bad will happen. I don't want to be alone. I don't want anyone to leave me; I'm too weak for that.