“but as there is in the world not a single human who can speak my language;”

     I think too much. thoughts riddle my head and I am left defenseless in my stream of consciousness. It's reached the point of overthinking where I can almost guess with perfect accuracy what people are going to say to me. Some days, I don't feel human. I'm too emotional and too distant. Nobody has ever looked at my brain and perfectly understood it; and because of the apparent lack of people who get me, I find myself alien. I am a creature that people have only observed. People like me (somehow I have friends), however,  feel that none of these people can fully understand me, I am an animal in a zoo, maybe reachable but barley human. How someone might be a robot, I am the opposite; I am a beast, completely unknowable. I just hope I find someone else who is from the same planet as I.

            “I do not know why I was so tormented by your betrayals, rather I myself know why, but I do not know the words I must choose to make you understand why I was so tormented. Such words do not come in the small size that fits your everyday needs.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Invitation to a Beheading 

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind. Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste; Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste: And therefore is love said to be a child, Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd.”

― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

Judgment

self-evaluation, awakening, renewal, purpose, reflection, reckoning

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

     I've devoted much of my time as of recently to staying up late and thinking. I know, I should be getting a full nights sleep. However, I find the stillness in the night more important. I've always preferred silence. It's easier to think when your not expected to be a certain way, it's easier to oneself when you are alone. I would consider myself to be in nature, a loner. I don't think anyone has ever understood me, I have always been a black sheep; no one around to get me. I desperately want to find another black sheep. But not to sound egotistical, I've met no one on my psychological level. I look for someone like me in the "smart" people, but those people are idiots with no social skills. Why do I waste my time with these people? I don't know, hopefully one day, I'll find that person.

 

"These were never your true love's eyes. Why do you feign that you love them? You that broke from their constancies, And the wide calm brows above them! This was never your true love's speech. Why do you thrill when you hear it? You that have ridden out of its reach The width of the world or near it! This was never your true love's hair, -- You that chafed when it bound you Screened from knowledge or shame or care, In the night that it made around you!" "All these things I know, I know. And that's why my heart is breaking!" "Then what do you gain by pretending so?" "The joy of an old wound waking."

“Human life is but a series of footnotes to a vast obscure unfinished masterpiece” Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita 

 Death

Spiritual transformation, new beginnings, letting go, endings, change, transition, sudden or unexpected upheaval

“How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn’t pull the trigger?” ― Virginia Woolf

 

   I frustrate myself with my inability to hold a pencil sometimes. Sometimes I can draw until 2am but other days the at 9pm my hand goes out. I have no clue what is wrong with me, why can't my hands do what they're told? One day I'll find the issue, for now, I'll live with my hands that give out on me.

                Being the dumb blond is really something. Some may think it's easy but it is a skill, a skill that I have perfected. Acting stupid takes intelligence, especially intelligence involving psychology. My peers really believe that I'm the dumbest, most immature person alive! It's hilarious, the best part is seeing people get pissed at me for saying dumb shit. I would dare say that intelligence wise, I'm fairly intelligent. It's just fucking hilarious to act like a stupid bitch.

                                    I hate always being lovesick. I just                             want someone to love me for me, I                          want to have someone who sees me their one              and only, their angel. Hopefully one day soon.

"Recollection of two memories. You. Soap scent of drugstore shampoo, ashtray of stale cigarettes, burnt toast. Her. Perfume of cheap gasoline, coffee on the breath, too much sugar, cocoa butter skin. Where does she spend her summers? They say it's the smells you finally don't forget. The brain works that way."

 

(I forgot do draw a card oops)

“What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.”

     I believe that most days my fate is to be Ophelia. Maybe I'm stupid to give myself a primitive and uncharacteristic role. However, I maintain the expectation that my fate is to drown for love. I don't want to die, the only thing I truly fear is death. This comparison in truth is purely metaphorical, I want to be drowned in someone's love. I think I love too much, I've been told it's my best quality but I really don't know at this point. I utterly believe that no one has ever loved me. Like romantic love. No one has fallen in love with me, but I have fallen for people. I hope to one day experience what it's like to be loved, complete love. I want to feel what it's like. Maybe I am psyche. Hopefully soon I'll find Eros. But for now I'll wait. 

        Other than my usual romantic troubles that plague me. I've been fairly productive, I'm an absolute wiz at cleaning. It's weirdly very calming, It gives me control that I enjoy. I can't control everything in my life, but being tidy I can control. I love keeping tidy, It makes me feel good.

                                                    I bet I sound completely everywhere, well it's my blog and I can write what I want.

 

“The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov  

 

 Four of Swords

Rest, relaxation, meditation, contemplation, recuperation 

“For someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people's faces.”

    

 I finally have a purpose again. I finally have a goal, I finally feel complete. I actually want to do something with my life, and I've never had that! I'm going to get into art school if It fucking kills me, I will be an artist. It's been my passion my entire life, I need to do this. Anyways, life has been getting easier (I mean as much as i can be). Mentally it's never easy but socially and I guess aspiration wise, it's getting easy.

    every day I still hope for some connection, people like me and all but i want something real. Completely and utterly real. Sounds vain, but really anyone I want I could get, but no one has given me those fireworks I long for. Maybe one day, but for now I'll wait for the fourth of July. It'll come soon, I know for certain.

        “Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
― Plato 

 

                            Ace Of Cups

love, new feelings, emotional awakening, creativity, spirituality, intuition

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”

   

  

                Et tu, Brute?

 

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
― Shannon L. Alder

"In order to deceive others, we explain with theory after theory, but it all ends in laughter and sometimes we even amuse ourselves before god laughs"

     I wonder if they still dream of me, maybe think of me, even a tad bit. I just want to know if I made a small impact on their life. That must sound egoistical. It's almost like it was a campfire, you don't remember every campfire you make, but sometimes the moments stick, I want to be that campfire in their mind. I just want to hope they still think of me, even a little bit, I guess it'd bring me peace.

                        I don't understand why I look for love, maybe it's to distract myself from my crippling isolation? who knows. I don't know why I isolate myself either to be honest. I'll get so anxious that I'll just lock myself up in my own mind-prison. It's unhealthy, I know, but to be honest I don't know how to stop. I'm always happy when I go out but it just scares me. I don't know how to explain it properly. Anyhow, I've been trying to chill out as of recently, like to become someone I'd like to be around. Hey, I'm stuck with myself, might as well be someone I enjoy being around. Life is strange, I wish I fully got it, but really I don't get it one bit.

 

               You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
                        For fate to turn the light on
                                    Your life, little girl, is an empty page
                                            That men will want to write on

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 King of Wands

leadership, vision, big picture, taking control, daring decisions, boldness, optimism

          

        “I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.”
― Marilyn Monroe