If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate

         Whenever I start feeling anxious again, I always feel compelled to write. Like some creative, or maybe something worse, digs out of my ribcage and covers me in a mix of bile and blood. The feelings I feel have always been visceral, or at least how I describe them. It feels as if I almost see myself as an animal of some kind. When these feelings emerge, I shed some innate part of myself and become what I have always been: A dog that bites when scared. Recently, I've pinpointed where this stems from, this bile fear that seeps from every part of me. Shocker, it's hormonal. Currently, I'm on hormone pills to try and regulate myself, but recently I've felt the same as how I used to feel, completely frayed at the edges. For the first two weeks of a month, I'm fine, I feel happy, but for the next two weeks, I feel utterly destroyed. 4

    All I want to do is apologize, cry, curl into a ball, and be forgotten about. I can't think straight and I know I'm being annoying to the people I love. Every word people say to me I want to scream at or overanalyze. When I feel these emotions I feel like the rational part of me, is like going on vacation. 

    I don't want to ask for reassurance, that feels pathetic to me. I know, I'm trying to be more vulnerable and ask people for help, but I don't want to be needy. Maybe I already am though. I know I'm a clingy person, but I feel like being needy would just make me feel worse. I don't want to need people, I want to be able to handle things myself, I have before, so why can't I do it now. I feel so weak for needing reassurance and needing to be held. I don't want to feel like this, I'm supposed to become an adult and I can't handle a simple thing like hormonal anxiety? I don't want to feel these things. 

    Usually at night, I dream simple things, not many nightmares, but sometimes, I find anxiety creeping into my head while I sleep. I don't like to talk about my nightmares, they usually involve some sort of abandonment and death. I have the same dreams over and over, and I keep them to myself. I guess even if my blog acts as a cry for help a lot of times, I hate pity, I don't want someone I care about to pity me. So maybe that's why I try not to talk about my dreams often. 

    Frequently, I feel like all the feelings I feel now make me unlovable. Am I worth the mess I make? Do I add enough to people's lives to be worth all of this? There has to be a point where I'm such a mess that I'm unlovable, right? Will my boyfriend keep loving me even if I'm a mess? I don't know, I fear that a lot. I just hope, the feeling I feel doesn't get in the way of me living life, because beyond everything, I fear being left behind more than anything, I don't want anyone to leave me.

            I think If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate



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