I wrote this trying to fold my laundry

    I've rewritten this at least 5 times, and every time my delusional thoughts get in the way of any eloquence I have left. To sum up my rambling behaviors, I'm so scared of people leaving me that I don't know what to do with myself. All of the things I worry about come from this fear and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to be left alone again, I don't want everything I've worked for to be for nothing, and beyond all that I'm scared the people I love will look at me as if I am nothing but a monster. I can't do it on my own anymore, I keep trying to, hoping no one will see me in my weakest state. I'm far too prideful and my refusal to ask for any kind of help or say something I'm scared to say in fear of being abandoned needs to end. I can't live like this, how am I supposed to ever be a good daughter, sister, or wife if I can't ever let myself need people. I'm scared, so scared. The kind of fear that you felt when you were young when you needed to turn off all the lights in the house or anything like that. I don't want to be alone, but by expecting myself to be perfect and to figure everything out on my own, I'm becoming the worst version of myself. I feel selfish that I need the people I love like I can't consider anyone else's life. I feel like I'm at the worst crossroads, be selfish or continue to be a sacred dog. I don't want anyone to leave me and every day I fear they will if I do one thing wrong, I'm not perfect and that's terrifying. I want to hide and forget I exist, only for a bit though, I need to finish my laundry and hope that no one will leave, because I think it's time I fully stop being reliant only on myself. Fuck leaning into it, I need to be held.