I wrote this trying to fold my laundry

    I've rewritten this at least 5 times, and every time my delusional thoughts get in the way of any eloquence I have left. To sum up my rambling behaviors, I'm so scared of people leaving me that I don't know what to do with myself. All of the things I worry about come from this fear and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to be left alone again, I don't want everything I've worked for to be for nothing, and beyond all that I'm scared the people I love will look at me as if I am nothing but a monster. I can't do it on my own anymore, I keep trying to, hoping no one will see me in my weakest state. I'm far too prideful and my refusal to ask for any kind of help or say something I'm scared to say in fear of being abandoned needs to end. I can't live like this, how am I supposed to ever be a good daughter, sister, or wife if I can't ever let myself need people. I'm scared, so scared. The kind of fear that you felt when you were young when you needed to turn off all the lights in the house or anything like that. I don't want to be alone, but by expecting myself to be perfect and to figure everything out on my own, I'm becoming the worst version of myself. I feel selfish that I need the people I love like I can't consider anyone else's life. I feel like I'm at the worst crossroads, be selfish or continue to be a sacred dog. I don't want anyone to leave me and every day I fear they will if I do one thing wrong, I'm not perfect and that's terrifying. I want to hide and forget I exist, only for a bit though, I need to finish my laundry and hope that no one will leave, because I think it's time I fully stop being reliant only on myself. Fuck leaning into it, I need to be held.

If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate

         Whenever I start feeling anxious again, I always feel compelled to write. Like some creative, or maybe something worse, digs out of my ribcage and covers me in a mix of bile and blood. The feelings I feel have always been visceral, or at least how I describe them. It feels as if I almost see myself as an animal of some kind. When these feelings emerge, I shed some innate part of myself and become what I have always been: A dog that bites when scared. Recently, I've pinpointed where this stems from, this bile fear that seeps from every part of me. Shocker, it's hormonal. Currently, I'm on hormone pills to try and regulate myself, but recently I've felt the same as how I used to feel, completely frayed at the edges. For the first two weeks of a month, I'm fine, I feel happy, but for the next two weeks, I feel utterly destroyed. 4

    All I want to do is apologize, cry, curl into a ball, and be forgotten about. I can't think straight and I know I'm being annoying to the people I love. Every word people say to me I want to scream at or overanalyze. When I feel these emotions I feel like the rational part of me, is like going on vacation. 

    I don't want to ask for reassurance, that feels pathetic to me. I know, I'm trying to be more vulnerable and ask people for help, but I don't want to be needy. Maybe I already am though. I know I'm a clingy person, but I feel like being needy would just make me feel worse. I don't want to need people, I want to be able to handle things myself, I have before, so why can't I do it now. I feel so weak for needing reassurance and needing to be held. I don't want to feel like this, I'm supposed to become an adult and I can't handle a simple thing like hormonal anxiety? I don't want to feel these things. 

    Usually at night, I dream simple things, not many nightmares, but sometimes, I find anxiety creeping into my head while I sleep. I don't like to talk about my nightmares, they usually involve some sort of abandonment and death. I have the same dreams over and over, and I keep them to myself. I guess even if my blog acts as a cry for help a lot of times, I hate pity, I don't want someone I care about to pity me. So maybe that's why I try not to talk about my dreams often. 

    Frequently, I feel like all the feelings I feel now make me unlovable. Am I worth the mess I make? Do I add enough to people's lives to be worth all of this? There has to be a point where I'm such a mess that I'm unlovable, right? Will my boyfriend keep loving me even if I'm a mess? I don't know, I fear that a lot. I just hope, the feeling I feel doesn't get in the way of me living life, because beyond everything, I fear being left behind more than anything, I don't want anyone to leave me.

            I think If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate



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