All her life was an attempt to disprove it; and so proved it. She was like a sea anemone -- had only to be touched once to adhere to what touched her

    It's painfully obvious that I'm an anxious mess. However, in better news, I've pin pointed what exactly happens to me. During high stress, I fall into an almost depressive state of paranoia. I become delusional and I lack rational thought. I'm happy I recognized this, but it leaves me the bigger challenge of figuring out how to deal with it. At the moment my way of dealing with this is non-existent, opting instead to tough it out through the sleep deprivation and intense guilt. This is evidently not healthy and makes it much worse, so I have to figure out distresses. Bigger problem, my way of coping is to distract myself and that's not as effective as it used to be, because usually what I'm distracting myself with is more things that make me stressed. My whole thought process is wrong though, I shouldn't be trying to find a one and done solution, I need to be actually figuring out how to deal with this healthily. It's a mess, I feel like a mess and I have no idea where to start when picking apart my head.

    So far, what I know about what I struggle with is this:

            1. Abandonment, which leads to my possessive feelings

            2.  Unhealthy emotional control and intense emotions

            3. Extreme stress that shuts me down and causes nervous breakdowns

            4. My pride and refusal to ask for help

    This are all things that have affected me recently and are causing problems. They're all manageable at my current state, but ideally I'd like to get my shit together. All I know, at least at this moment, I need some sleep, it's calm in my house again so It feels like I can try to let a lot of what I'm holding in out. It's all going to be okay, as long as I have my support system and can keep my head above the waves, I'll be able to be able to handle my shit.