I Can't Be Mad at the World Anymore, It Has You

 

    I've always been an aggressive person; usually this has been boiled down to a positive trait that discounts my flaws. "She's just fiery" "Oh she's just a hard head" "She's prideful". All of these faux descriptions have only just covered what is undeniable, I'm an emotionally unregulated person. Well, maybe that's not the best description. My emotional control has never been the best, I didn't learn how to be stable until much later in life so I'm still rough at it. Along with a history of mental health problems, I've been delayed. I guess with all of that, I really don't know in what way I can describe myself. Everyday, I work on it , trying as hard as I can to present some changes. I wish I could go through an overnight metamorphosis, but I fear that would make me loose some part of myself. Really, I think that my flaws, even with how monstrous and vicious they seem, are innately a part of me, I would be utterly changed without my imperfections. 

        I am a prideful person, and that has too be the worst part of myself. My refusal to ask for help and my habit of wanting to provide everything for myself. I would point to my habit of lack of thinking when agitated as a point of contention as well. Maybe you could say my sensitivity is a flaw, but to an extent, I think that's just me.  I could sit and name flaws all day, but that doesn't change anything, that doesn't make emotions easier to manage in the slightest. It just makes me feel guilty all the times I could've been better. Either way the past is the past, you can't change it, all you have to do is move on. It's going to take a while before I can properly call myself stable, and I'm willing to put in all the work I can, I mean I've been doing that already. 

    Besides my increasing emotional problems, I've been actually doing pretty alright. However, the worst grievance I've dealt with as of late is cupid's conniving schemes to make me fall deeper in love. At this point it's ridiculous, I've absolutely lost it. He's like a gentle warm rain, one so desperately beautiful that living without it would mean my utter destruction. I have found the most perfect seashell and losing it would send me to places I've once explored, but are painfully barren. I'm in love, undeniably so. Cupid's wicked curse is one I wish to find no antidote for. He's calmed me down significantly and for him I want to be the best woman I can be, he deserves to have that. So I guess partly my motivation to improve myself is because of him. Though cruel, love has helped me come to terms with problems a sought places to sooth them. This world is so vast and expansive that being able to step back for at least one second to take some piece of mind with someone who I long for like rain in a drought, it perfect to me.

Excuse my incoherent nature, I've been out of my mind all day.