Why are you so interested in who I'm going to see at night? Nighttime is my time.

     I don't get angry, but right now I feel full of rage. I feel betrayed, and maybe it is my fault or maybe I did nothing. I don't know how to feel. I want to look at eyes that care about what I have to say, not ones that seem so cold to me. I hate looking at people who clearly have something burning inside, but instead hide it behind cold eyes. Am I a joke? Am I just something to disregard like it's nothing?

    I want to be understanding, I want to just not care. However, I can't help but to care about someone I've put so much time into. Someone who I care about, just to be thrown aside for distance. Maybe I'm stupid and I don't understand anything, and maybe my blind anger is making me emotional, but I really don't know how to feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

I was supposed to be having the time of my life

             I've had the realization that I long for shitty relationships. I have been so used to being hurt and used by people that I guess that I expect it. I long for a roller-coaster of love and heartbreak, there's a part of me that feels comfort in being hurt by a boy who only cares for himself. The worst part is that I feel the need to fix someone, I can feel the bruised boys hurting and I want to patch them up and show them what love is.      

                        But whenever something good is staring me the face, a nice boy who wants to take care of me, I can't help but turn away. I long for the ones that seem distant and lonely, the ones I know will hurt me and tear every part of me apart. I want to love someone who will be good for me, and maybe one day I will. I want to let myself love someone who won't hurt me, but every time, I go for the gators with the razor sharp teeth. The ones who will rip me limb from limb and leave me for dead. But, I long to fix those monsters, even if they can never be fixed.

  “You are damaged and broken and unhinged.      But so are shooting stars and comets.”

“The same thing happened over and over: I would catch sight of some flawless man in the distance, but as soon as he moved closer I immediately saw he wouldn’t do at all.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Dear Friend, I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile, but I've been trying hard to not be a loser.

     I'm turning 16 soon. This is supposed to be the happiest moments if my life, I'm supposed to live that teenage dream. But in reality, I'm living my own personal hell. I love my friends and my family, but I'm the problem. My own brain is the issue. I can't help but feel dissatisfied
with my own person, like a part of me has forever been missing. I feel as if I'm watching my own movie. One where I wish instead I was the protagonist, I was the damsel to be saved, because I feel like I need to be saved.

    But maybe when I'm 16, I'll feel better. I'll maybe finally feel like I can handle things, maybe the coming months will make me really feel like the main protagonist.  

                                                    I've noticed I've blamed myself for everyone else's bad mood, I feel automatically I did something wrong. I know I didn't but I can't help but worry.