Friday, April 11, 2025

Atlantic and Pacific

 He told me that no one could spell his last name, but I printed it in the folds of my brain. 

Summer Boy who’s never sun-burnt, he’s apricot juice and kiwi flesh that drips from sleepy eyes,

I longed for brown eyes when I was younger, wanted desperately to blend in,

But he said I was his rainstorm and picked blueberries in the corners of my mind.

I’ve found my brown eyes, and I keep them in my mind; they're molasses in my dreams

And devour me softly in the night.


His skin became the refuge of the sun, covered in angel kisses, smells of sea foam, and thick humidity. He’s burnt toast in the morning, school lunch in the afternoon, ocean depths, and salt water in his bed.


His heart pours into mine and speaks a primal language, it’s not spoken nor written, but communicated by eyes and mouth, saliva and pomegranate juice, salt that dissolves into ice water, spring blooms and cold nights after the sunset dripped from breathless phrases and became a thick pool of bloated cherry bushes.


He grew up a low tide. He was a lazy curtain of white beads that stretched for miles, a vast mind that spoke in ones and zeros, that was laid out like a row of cables. His bone marrow didn't drip out, but cascaded in a line. He’s never been good with words, he could never light matches with his monotone song.

He thought his heart couldn’t beat, said there was a hole in it, not in the longing way, but in the factual way. He referenced the trench that lay from his neck to his stomach, the galaxy of daisies that had rudely intruded on his garden. 

He wanted warm breezes that swayed hammocks in meadows of sunflowers and dandelions, and a life where the only troubles were picking out the dead stars from bunches.

But he thought he was too busy for that.


I grew up a wild thing, an animal who hunted and preyed at the ledge of sewn-up bruises lipstick stains written confessions boys who drift through reality like ghosts, never alive, and phrases only said in the heat of the moment, I held onto them until I burned silver, my hands the resting place of charcoal stakes, a vivisection of obsession, put out quick

I wanted violence

to bleed brilliant blue to be given bruises and blisters, 

Peeled, thrown to the floor, pleaded, thrown to the floor, peeled until I was hollow, nothing to give except my rind



I’m spoiled half-eaten teeth rotten I bite too hard I’ve allowed myself to die I’m a scared dog, I’m a weed plucked continuously, head grabbed, brains blown in hopes of wishes being granted.


As I scream and cry and bite, he sits and waits. Knits sweaters out of simplicity, untangles my tired limbs into daisy chains, plants forget-me-nots around each of my organs, and tells me about his world:

Stardust fallen, mixed with glitter, wheezing blue, clear glass, broken by a string of white lace.

He buried his dreams in the sand, stars stuck to his hands with salt water and sunburnt shoulders, fingertips of deep charcoal.

His acts of rebellion, quickly extinguished and planted in sand.

He asked me to help find them, under sediment, broken shells, dreams of a million other little boys, and far until the land is ink and the stardust gone.


He pictured me, blemished shoulders, his skin permanently mine, my voice in the same melody as his, standing in his ocean, one that isn’t tar but nectar, next to him, blue hands pulling us deep under its warmth and

he spun pictures out of gold strings and rose petals, painted a life for us, every primary used, not just blue and

he handed me this painting, and I embroidered my heart into the margins, and framed it on our wall and

so I will sing our shared language as loud as my lungs can breathe, let his ocean sit deep in my belly, I’ll let him in, I’ll stay in his garden.


Thursday, March 13, 2025

An Ode to My Love

 An Ode to My Love


I’ve tried to muster every word

Search in dictionaries

Look in thesauruses

But I can’t find the correct word

To describe the way his nose is a thick

Ledge that my eyes cascade down,

Freckles, as if his canvas was dotted

With perfectly placed stars

A snapshot of space

Lips like a limp cupid's bow, an arrow pointed at me

And a taste like velvet tangerines and

Dark chocolate marshmallows 

Hands that handle machines 

Fingers that pull apart rose petals


Is there a word for his smile?

The way his nose creases into thick lines

The way it’s warmth pools deep into my belly

How I will gladly let his summer become a permanent

Part of my bones

There is no genre for his voice,

A broken accent that rings with honey

Tired eyes that devour me

That drip autumn

That shine like topaz during a thunderstorm

He is a deep maple forest that overflows

Into the ocean

The smell of wet asphalt and thick humidity


Infinity

Forever and always

Everything


Those are the only words that seem adequate for him.


Friday, March 7, 2025

Obituary of an Older Brother

 Obituary of an Older Brother


There's a lump in my throat

That scratches and bites

She calls it bitter and vicious

I call it love

It makes her cry when it uses

Its hoarse voice and spits on her sympathy


I wish it could crawl out and shriek 

Until everything turns bright blue and beet red

It could tell you that you're a bastard,

Living in powder pink dreams

Longing to find the next spirit

To inhabit your bed

To infest your ribcage

To break your bones


How I gave you the highest honor in my head

Crowns of ivy and robes with stars woven into them


I met you


I burned the portrait I had painted, the robes and the ivy


How you left and came back,

In a purposeless race,

A grand prix with no prize

Searching for caramel cigarettes

And love from a consignment store

50, 20, 10 percent off


How you found comfort in white porch steps,

Silver seas and fleas;

You called them home


Can you feel my teeth in your side?

The anger that swells and pools at your feet;

how it burns and blemishes

Or should I keep that lump in my throat

Push it deep down, let it not make a peep

Blink away the pain on heavy eyelashes



“Could you come home?”

The lump whispers

 


Thursday, February 27, 2025

How to Make a Cup of Tea (Poem)

 How to Make a Cup of Tea



  1. Boil the water

She used to watch the metal kettle boil

Told me to listen closely for sweet melodies

Whistling through the air

Watch the glass as it steams

 after a flick of a switch

Fill it to the brim she said

As she lay sick in bed


  1. Choose your mug

Thick metal mugs,

Tall mugs and mugs from Goodwill

Her mug sits perpetually on the cold counter

She has two shelves, one Disney

The other, everything else

Always told me I had too many

And I was wasting the space

But she still made room


  1. Pick your tea

I’ve always preferred black tea

She likes peppermint and teas from

Wholefoods

I told her in steaming arguments

I’d never be like her

Her pain is a neat box of tea

My pain is loose

We’ll never have the same taste

And that’s okay


  1. Pour your boiling water into your mug with the tea bag or loose-leaf tea

You never got angry

When I poured hot water on my hand for the first time

You told me to learn and grow, to try again and again

I said the same thing to you, over

And over

And over again

Even now, while you're cleaning up your spill

I’ll keep making a cup of tea for you


  1. Let the tea steep

Rotted white porch steps

Tables made for pretend

Painted desks and bedside tables

Kitchen counters and wicker trays

Tiled bathroom floors

All great places to let tea steep



  1. Enjoy

In the morning, you make your cup of tea for work

I make mine for school

Stained cups, continuous use

A list of sticky notes, a specific mug,

Shower at 8 and makeup at 8:30

The most beautiful women all have routines

And filling the tea kettle for you

It is my favorite part of all.


Thursday, January 2, 2025

poetry

         Maybe this year I'll post my poetry

        Or maybe for my own sanity

        I will not participate in vulgarity

        and I will not post my poetry.

Monday, December 23, 2024

I wrote this trying to fold my laundry


    I've rewritten this at least 5 times, and every time my delusional thoughts get in the way of any eloquence I have left. To sum up my rambling behaviors, I'm so scared of people leaving me that I don't know what to do with myself. All of the things I worry about come from this fear and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to be left alone again, I don't want everything I've worked for to be for nothing, and beyond all that I'm scared the people I love will look at me as if I am nothing but a monster. I can't do it on my own anymore, I keep trying to, hoping no one will see me in my weakest state. I'm far too prideful and my refusal to ask for any kind of help or say something I'm scared to say in fear of being abandoned needs to end. I can't live like this, how am I supposed to ever be a good daughter, sister, or wife if I can't ever let myself need people. I'm scared, so scared. The kind of fear that you felt when you were young when you needed to turn off all the lights in the house or anything like that. I don't want to be alone, but by expecting myself to be perfect and to figure everything out on my own, I'm becoming the worst version of myself. I feel selfish that I need the people I love like I can't consider anyone else's life. I feel like I'm at the worst crossroads, be selfish or continue to be a sacred dog. I don't want anyone to leave me and every day I fear they will if I do one thing wrong, I'm not perfect and that's terrifying. I want to hide and forget I exist, only for a bit though, I need to finish my laundry and hope that no one will leave, because I think it's time I fully stop being reliant only on myself. Fuck leaning into it, I need to be held.