I've grown into a woman comfortable with misery

    

   I dislike myself sometimes. I feel malice toward my appearance, and my personality leaves much to be desired. Most of all I hate my mind, I hate the way it spills all around, covering my contentions in vile sludge. I feel as if some days, I drench my happiness in pure sorrow. I ruin what's great with fear. For a while, I was happy, I felt good, but now I feel the same emptiness that haunts me. I feel a crushing weight, that feeling that everyone will leave me or that I'm doing everything wrong. Those worries infest my brain and keep me up through the night. I can't sleep again, I keep lying to people saying I wake up through the night, but the reality is that, though I'm not fully awake, I am lying still in lucidity, processing every stimulus around me as if I am awake. I sit with my mind racing, and when I wake up I feel dead. I went through all today not as a human, but as a corpse. Everything annoys me and everything just makes me feel more miserable. I want to be held and not feel empty. But when I say that I feel like a child. I want the same people I snap at to hold me and tell me it's okay.  I don't deserve that though, I hate when people don't hold me up to what I do wrong, but I really want to forget that I'm not feeling good today.

    I want to forget my fear of abandonment, I want to not feel like the people I love are going to leave me. I don't want to upset the people I love or hurt them, but I feel like all I do sometimes is hurt. I feel as if I'm a porcupine, desperate to not stab others but end up doing just that. I have intense guilt that makes me feel as If the little things I do are astronomically terrible. I'm a mess really, I just don't want to be left by myself, I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared that everything I've planned and built will fall in front of me; The castle I've built for myself will crumble and fall and I'll be left completely alone. I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'm desperate to hold on to everyone I love, I don't want them to leave me. I want to get married and have that life we've planned but I just don't want to mess everything up, I feel like I am though so what am I supposed to do. 

    I was doing so well with my anxiety and I felt stable for a second, but now I just feel empty again. I just want to feel better for a second. I'm trying, I really am.