I Wish not to be Hysterical

     Some things are utterly true, then others I convince myself of. But I have found no way to distinguish the two on days like these. It's no one's fault really, not my sparrow, nor my friends, I just find difficulties dealing with this crushing anxiety. 

        Recently, the fear of death is looming ever so close that it's coupled with the feeling of wanting to vanish. I don't want to die, I just want to disappear for around two hours, with nothing around that can stress me out, I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, but absent of them. I want to be relaxed, and vanishing feels like the ultimate relaxation. I wonder what'd happen if I'd disappear. Who would be sad, who would be worried, and who would be happy? I often think about what'd happen if I'd die, not because I'm suicidal (thank god) but just because I'm curious. I want to know if the people I'd cry for, would cry for me, who would take my hoodies, and who would take my books. I'm beyond curious. My fear of death is becoming more prevalent, especially with sick parents. I feel bad, but I don't think I'd really grieve, I've accepted their deaths, I just fear being alone.

    My fear of loneliness is crushing, I fear being abandoned more than I fear death. I convince myself of things, I tell myself that my relationship is failing or my friends all hate me and the aforementioned, parents dying. I wish I could know how everyone's feeling and thinking. I need to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm the problem because I genuinely can't tell if I am or not. I feel bad because  I don't want to pressure people to constantly reassure me, but I need it. I don't just fear being alone, I'm terrified of it.

        This isn't an attempt to make me sound cool, but more of an attempt to better explain how I'm feeling. When I care about people and their upset, I feel that. Like when my sparrow is stressed, I know he's feeling stressed and then I feel the need to go into full comfort mode. But when I'm not confirmed about feelings or things it makes me more stressed. I feel this for every person I love, this intense need to know how they're feeling because I feel what they're feeling. Does this make sense? It makes sense to me because it's how I feel. Call me far too empathetic but slowly, I'm coming to terms with it and learning how to manage it. 

        Relationships are hard, especially serious relationships. I feel as if I'm overflowing with love, but when it comes to him, I'm fragile. No one has given me a handbook on how to have a relationship, especially when all my past relationships have been abusive. Now I've found my person and really the only person I've ever loved and I have to somehow figure out how to properly communicate, I know it's been more than a year, but all of this is still difficult sometimes. I'm trying to be the best girlfriend I can be even if I'm a mess. I'm a big hot mess but determined to make the person I love happy. I worry about him so much, I just want to know how he's feeling and I just want to do everything I can to make him relaxed and comfortable. We're different people, heavily so, but we work well with each other. I'm confident in our relationship, and even when I'm depressed I'm willing to run a million miles to make him happy. I have never felt love so deeply that I feel the need to do anything. I love feeling this, I love feeling needed and feeling like I will do anything for this person. I'm not lying when I'm saying I'd follow him across the world because I really would. I really love him, and nothing can get in the way of that, even if sometimes he's beyond annoying, I guess it's his job to do that though. 

    I'm sorry, but when I think about my sparrow, I start going off. My face feels all warm and I start tearing up a bit. I get excited and because of that, I guess I need him. Well, I know I do, but that's beside the point. Overall, I've been trying to feel better, I've been trying to take time out of my night to do some self-care, and making sure to do this regularly, and I'm trying not to fall asleep in my clothes. I'm thinking about getting melatonin to actually help me get sleep at night, and trying to use my art as a therapy again. It's helped me before and I need to start using it as a tool again. I need to take better care of myself, I've been lacking and I need to catch up! I've been drinking water, and I know it's small, but I've started making non-caffeinated tea at night! I think that'd be helpful with sleep and general relaxation. I also filled up my water bottle yesterday after I drank the whole thing, so that's an improvement. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, but it's probably going to continue to be. I've been trying hard, partly for myself and partly for him, I know he worries about me so I'm trying extra hard. I'm going to be healthy, and I think when I feel good physically, that might help with how I'm feeling emotionally.

    I'll do everything I can to be stable, and along with that, everything I can do to make myself not worry. I'm going to get better, for myself and for him. I guess when you love someone, you'll do anything, and for him, I'll be the best I can be.

I've grown into a woman comfortable with misery

    

   I dislike myself sometimes. I feel malice toward my appearance, and my personality leaves much to be desired. Most of all I hate my mind, I hate the way it spills all around, covering my contentions in vile sludge. I feel as if some days, I drench my happiness in pure sorrow. I ruin what's great with fear. For a while, I was happy, I felt good, but now I feel the same emptiness that haunts me. I feel a crushing weight, that feeling that everyone will leave me or that I'm doing everything wrong. Those worries infest my brain and keep me up through the night. I can't sleep again, I keep lying to people saying I wake up through the night, but the reality is that, though I'm not fully awake, I am lying still in lucidity, processing every stimulus around me as if I am awake. I sit with my mind racing, and when I wake up I feel dead. I went through all today not as a human, but as a corpse. Everything annoys me and everything just makes me feel more miserable. I want to be held and not feel empty. But when I say that I feel like a child. I want the same people I snap at to hold me and tell me it's okay.  I don't deserve that though, I hate when people don't hold me up to what I do wrong, but I really want to forget that I'm not feeling good today.

    I want to forget my fear of abandonment, I want to not feel like the people I love are going to leave me. I don't want to upset the people I love or hurt them, but I feel like all I do sometimes is hurt. I feel as if I'm a porcupine, desperate to not stab others but end up doing just that. I have intense guilt that makes me feel as If the little things I do are astronomically terrible. I'm a mess really, I just don't want to be left by myself, I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared that everything I've planned and built will fall in front of me; The castle I've built for myself will crumble and fall and I'll be left completely alone. I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'm desperate to hold on to everyone I love, I don't want them to leave me. I want to get married and have that life we've planned but I just don't want to mess everything up, I feel like I am though so what am I supposed to do. 

    I was doing so well with my anxiety and I felt stable for a second, but now I just feel empty again. I just want to feel better for a second. I'm trying, I really am.