My art will get good when it's fall, I promise

     In general, I'm not good at starting things. Conversations, drawings, and especially blog posts. Hooking a reader is difficult when really all I want to say is "Uh oh I'm stressed again". Do I ramble about a movie, tea, or a song? No one gave me a manual about writing blogs. Back to the point, like always, I'm a stressed-out and worried person, and of course, I'm going to ramble. Which you know what, that makes me feel better. I don't need to make my blog more palatable to someone who won't read it (If you know, you know exactly who this is (and if you are reading this, excuse you I'll make my blog as sad as I want)) Yeah, maybe I am a depressive person, by god I have a depression disorder, what do you want from me? The point is, I guess I'm tired of trying to do what people say I should. I feel like some people have no reason (or are fucking stupid) and try to tell me some great ideas to help me. Before you interject, maybe it is in my best interest, but even then, I'll change my life based on what I need and how I think I need it. That's what I fucking hate you know? People who have no business in my kitchen, stick their fingers in my pie. Like come on, I don't tell you fucking bullshit all the time. I'm getting off-topic, FUCK IT, I can't think of a topic and I'm feeling manic.

    Another thing I hate is this fucking persona I put up with, I know it's all my own doing and sometimes it's nice. But what I hate is that the fucking bottom-of-the-barrel morons treating me like I'm some sort of pretty dumb doll to "educate". Like I swear to god, the number of times people have tried to teach me kindergarten shit or see me as incapable, "Oh let your boyfriend do that for you " Like yeah, the act is to act stupid, not fucking incompetent. That's the result of the persona though, so fuck me and turn me into a muffin. At some point, I'm gonna drop this shit and lose it. I'm going nuts, like oh I'm quiet for a minute, yeah maybe I am, BECAUSE WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT IS FUCKING STUPID AND I DON'T WANT TO DUMB MYSELF DOWN (bitch) Like at this point when I start being quite, stop fucking asking me if I'm okay, I either don't want to engage in idiocy or I don't feel like getting approval. God, I'm acting like an elitist, no I don't think I'm smarter than people, I just think that some people are morons (maybe I feel a bit of a superiority complex because of that (I sound like an asshole (not wrong))) 

    

    This whole letting shit out is nice, I feel less worried, or as less worried as I can be. I don't know what is wrong with my brain chemistry, my anxiety is unmanageable. I'll try to describe how it feels: My inner voice is always talking, most of it unintelligible. Watching or listening to something helps mute it, and the same with talking. However, if I'm trying to focus, I can't have any noises, so the voice comes back. The voice, when not unintelligible, is a repeat of all my worries. Also, I have intense paranoia, so if I hear something, I'll automatically focus on it and distrust everything related; probably get a headache or start crying from hyperfocusing on one thing. It's like a constant repeat, like a broken record. Over and over my worries just circulate. I sweat everything, the small stuff is just as important to worry about as the big stuff. When I say I worry, I mean that my head is constantly repeating what I worry about until I get overwhelmed. Little things get me and feeling secure enough to go to sleep is impossible (I'm able to get sleep quickly with one person, he knows who he is). I have the worst time feeling comfortable, partly due to my abandonment fear. I worry the most about being abandoned, little things make me feel inadequate (it's stupid) and that leads to me feeling sick from the amount I've worried (I get stress sick more times than I'd like to admit) I have no clue how to feel calm and all the temporary solutions I've found just get overridden after a while. I want to feel safe and calm all the time, but that's almost impossible.

        This has been a long night, but the rambling helps. I want to sleep tonight and maybe let the mask down. I don't know if I need to throw up from stress or if I need to watch more muppets. Probably watch more muppets, and wait until I'm too tired to think so I can sleep. Truth is, I stay up late every night to tire my brain out so I can just be comfortable and think about nice things, or If I need my sleep I try to think of things I like. But most of the time, especially recently, it's tiring my brain out.

Are you the Devil? I am you.

   I would hope I'm an interesting person. I mean I try to be. I like absurdist movies, poetry, and art. I love the macabre and occult. I am fascinated by philosophy and psychology. But I'm also a huge geek, Godzilla, comic books, and cult classics. I love all of that stuff with all of it mixed into me, like a soup. 

        One of my favorite movies is Belladonna of Sadness. It's a Japanese avant-garde movie that makes the artist in me squeal. Every scene is a breathtaking watercolor painting that depicts the main character's struggles with womanhood. Whenever I get to share Belladonna of sadness with people I get giddy knowing I introduced something new to someone.

        another thing I love is exorcisms. I think the practice and the absurdity around Catholicism are super interesting. Like saints and demons, super cool. 

    All the things I love are parts of me; but still, I hide. I put them to the side hoping to keep up my persona. I've started to loathe the persona, yeah it's how I talk to people, but being an almost different person tires you out. I'm a nervous quiet shut-in, who'd rather be doing anything else than having to delude myself. Because that's all I'm doing, deluding things I love for the sake of being able to talk and have friends. I'm trying to let it go, and give myself the grace to be who I want to be, but I'm far too intertwined with it. I'm trying, I swear I am. It'll get better and eventually,

I won't rely on a persona to function in social situations.