Beyond Black Rainbows

         To catch up on the last two months and the affairs and adventures I have embarked on would be a long winded process that amounts to nothing but similar events after another. Though I have realized how utterly simple I've become. I work, I speak to my lover, I talk to my family, I work some more, I indulge in my hobbies and I sit back and watch the stars burn. For once I picture myself not as a star burning through the cosmos, making waves. But simply as a spectator, as me. I think that's the best way I could've turned out, as I've become utterly uninterested in such ventures. I want to live a life, and mind you in a way so simplistic and boring, describing it would be long winded and boring. Though for the sake of humoring myself, I will. 

            I want to graduate high school with decent grades, enough to get me into the collages I want, I want to marry my current boyfriend and have him by my side with every event that comes. He's everything to me so having him there would be ideal. I want to find a job in my preferred field. Hopefully I want to get a house, something small, I'm not interested in kids so something fitting the current needs would be just fine. I want to live hopefully comfortably, I think that's the hope for everyone, a car that works, food in the fridge, hot water and a husband. To me, that's comfortable, and that practicality is what I want. That's the life I picture for myself, not something grand but something unassuming, because in the end that's all you can hope for, a comfortable life. 

    Though some details have been excluded, that's the outline for the life I ideally would like to live. Everything I want is so provincial that it's undeniably achievable and I don't myself in finding this happiness. However the currants in this peaceful ocean come with my worry. I believe in myself but that can quickly be overwhelmed by the intense paranoia and worry I have.

                    I'm terrible at crushing my worries down and just living, I don't know if it's a bad habit or a curse. I worry that I won't do a good enough job and that I'm not doing enough for everyone. Resulting in me constantly feeling inadequate and needing to do more and more, not accepting anything until I have come to my own fickle measurements. I have, what feels like, uncurable self doubt. I feel as if I need to be the best in most circumstances, but sometimes I need to sit back and let people do things for me and accept that being the best isn't achievable all the time. It's okay to not be perfect, and that's taken me a while to learn along with letting people do things for me and get me gifts. I can't just buy myself gifts, it's a silly thing. Other than that, I have the constant worry that my lover is going to up and leave me. I don't want him to leave my side, he's become my person. I want him near me most of the time, I feel the most comfortable when he's near me. Him leavening me is terrifying, I want him for the rest of my life and I worry that I'll fuck it all up and he'll find someone so much better. I wouldn't be the same if he left, he's the only man I want for the rest if my life. That's the constant, the undeniable cloud that hangs over my head is that I'll loose my favorite person.

    

    Maybe it's all silly and I shouldn't worry, but when I try to have that perspective, I just end up in more agony and I get more stressed. It's all going to be okay in the end though, I know I'll live the simplicity I want and the person I love will be right next to me, it'll all work out in the end, I know it will.

                                        I went to another world, Rosemary. I see what others cannot see. I looked into the eye of God. And it looked backed through me. It looked through everything. Rosemary, it was so, so, so beautiful, like a black rainbow... and it chose me, it chose me, to reveal itself to me.