I have no want to rot anymore

         When looking out as an observer, you can easily forget your own humanity. I guess sometimes, it's difficult for me to understand myself. I'm not the best at empathy, sometimes it escapes me and the only emotion I can conger is rage. To be blunt, emotional management isn't my strong suit. I've pressed my emotions deep down into myself for the sake of other people and now I am far too sensitive. I want stunted in my emotional maturity so I feel often that I am just a child when I should be grown. I was mature for my age when I was younger, yet now, I am but glass. Either way, no matter how much work it takes, I have a life I want to live for. I have to be the best me I can be, even if that means I have some bad days. 

            It's nice, my abandonment issues have calmed down, I guess being in a relationship where I actually trust the person helps. Along with that, I don't feel my undeniable paranoia all the time, I can shut up those thoughts much easier.

Handling things is getting easier and I'm excited to continue living, no matter how much work it takes sometimes.

All in all I'm happy. Though I'm stressed about my AP Art portfolio, It's due in 14 days! I'm beyond nervous, I hope I can get it all in on time. :) 

But then you give me ten CC's of something super sweet
Yeah, you put me to sleep, I'm getting drowsy
My eyelids are getting heavy, kiss me on the cheek
Then you're telling me count down from ten
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one
When you rip my heart out
Please put it back when you're done
I'm too young for this open-heart surgery
There's stuffing in the place where my heart's meant to be
Why me?    (I thought about this song again, I'm obsessed)

Following a dream I had three years ago....

         

   I find it difficult to start writing, the words don't flow like water but instead flow like mud. I can get stuck in my own brain, I can be delusional, my own brain filled with promises and betrayals that don't exist. I have been gripped with acute illness for most of my life, and it's developed into delusions that grip me and turn me into mush. I have driven myself insane with the possibilities of abandonment and failure.  I hold them close to my chest until they spill out of me, at that point it's no longer a delusion it becomes a sicking worry. I convince myself of things that are undeniably false, however I still worry about things that play the part of falsity. I'm a neurotic nutcase with worries in every suitcase.

                            I've never been good at controlling my worries, I find myself becoming yet another performer on a stage set with pins and needles once again. I play the part of a fool with the inclination of insanity, in the end, drowned in a sea of delusions. Feeling free from my own self is a fleeting dream that wraps me in it's arms, I need it like I need air. I find myself unbearable, I don't understand how he finds my insanity normal. My worries are just something to brush off, I am not a beast made of rotten ideas, for once I feel close enough to the stars. Like nothing will hurt me. Maybe I am crazy, I've been told that I shouldn't count on one person to love me until I die, but I can't help but place my heart in a guillotine. All I care about is that this moment is unforgettable and I will follow him until I am engulfed by earth. 

    I feel unjustified to worry about him, though my fear is crippling. How can one bear to loose the love of their life? I think I'd be institutionalized if I did. My heart is no longer mine, it hasn't been for months. But I worry that I set my table too quickly and the food will never arrive. However, I will put my trust tied into a bow into his hands and gladly let him take me away. I can be so stupid and far too worried.

 

“I am a very boring and unpleasant man, drowned in literature... But I love you.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Vera