“There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it.”

     I have wished for a lot of things in my life, but I always focus on love. I don't understand why my heart sings the melodies of love songs or hopes for someone to hold me. It always gets thrown back to me anyway, some rip it into a million and one pieces. My heart is fragile, but it flies everywhere. I can't catch it. 

    Every time I like someone, they usually like me back and end being a complete ass or shit talk me. I don't get it. I don't get why no one really feels that fire for me and why that fire never stays. I hate the loneliness that festers inside of me, I just want someone to feel how I feel

                    10 of cups, ironic card to get

    It represents fortunate marriage, contentment of the heart, and the perfection of human love and friendship

ΚΑΛΛΙΣΤΗΙ

Living means knowing sadness, use that sadness to sharpen the fangs of your heart.

     “She was cold by nature, self-love predominating over passion; rather than being virtuous, she preferred to have her pleasures all to herself.”
― Émile Zola, Pot Luck

 

    I'm cold, I'm a cold distant person. I've been like this for years. I don't tell people how I feel, not even my parents. But, I don't mind this, I feel when people ask what's wrong they are prying too much. I don't mind having hidden emotions. I don't like people knowing what's wrong, it's like being a mystery novel, I'll tell people things if I really feel I have to. But other than that, I'm content being distant. The issue is when people don't get that, I'm fine being like this and sometimes I don't want to talk about my emotions. 

  The Chariot is a card about overcoming conflicts and moving forward in a positive direction. One needs to keep going on and through sheer hard work and commitment he will be victorious.

“I felt so lonesome, all of a sudden. I almost wished I was dead.”

    I find loneliness both comforting and terrifying. I want to tell people what I'm feeling, my thoughts, my dreams maybe even my fears. But, I don't want to, I like my distant solitude, I like people not knowing what I'm feeling, it makes it easier to connect when people don't know what's happening. Maybe one day I'll find someone who gets me, I know, I express that a lot. 

I'm still a silent director, I don't exactly know how to change, I think I just grow. That's the only way I've found that has worked. you learn to live with your worst traits and the pain you feel. Well, I'm not in pain, I don't feel much, I let what happens, happens. I think at this point my catchphrase is "Shit happens"

Who knows, life is weird.

Eight of wands

Quick action, receiving news, gaining momentum, exciting times