Today, like all days, it's black tea with heavy cream

     

    I'm fine with losing friends. Is that shitty? In fairness, I'm kind of shitty. Some people, I can't stand losing, my sparrow, my brothers, or my parents. Really I'd be fine with losing my fair-weather friends and those I call friends but don't care about. I'm not the best person, I'm capable of cruelty. All people are really, no one is perfect, and no one is perfectly nice. Everyone is cruel, some people just express their cruelty more. Maybe I'm wrong to think that everyone in some way is cruel, but that perception has been with me for as long as I can remember. 

        I'm beyond stressed and once again, sleeping is impossible. I hate trying to go to sleep, I'm exhausted all day and when I get to bed I stay up overthinking. Here are the topics that my brain has obsessed over recently: my sparrow will leave me, I'm being far too needy, I'm going to get fired from my job(s), and maybe just maybe, I will get a terminal illness and die surrounded by nobody. The abandonment issues are going crazy like my brain cannot chill. I'm trying my best not to worry, but that concept is on vacation. I hate worrying so much, everything in my life is going great, and really I only have a few actual problems. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my happiness. I worked so hard to get here and I just don't want to waste it. I don't want to be alone and every day I fear I'll lose everything. Everyone I love and need is just gone. I can't handle that idea. But there comes a point where I fear my neediness, I fear that I'm dependent on the people I love. I don't want to be needy or annoying but I need the people I love to stay. 

    It's funny, I ran out of heavy cream this morning, I'm having chamomile today. Chamomile reminds me of the people who've had the most impact on me. My mother always made it for me when I felt shitty and it's my sparrow's favorite. I love it because of that, because people I love, love it. But usually, I have the same thing most mornings, black tea (two tea bags) and heavy cream. I enjoy having and maintaining a routine, getting up at a specific time, making the same tea, and doing the same motions every day. It's comforting. It makes me feel a little less anxious like I have some sort of control. Especially when I feel like I can't control my anxiety. 

        There is a plus to some of my solitude recently. I've been able to focus on self-care and get back into reading. I've been reading this book, 140 pages or so and it's about this group of siblings whose dad suddenly dies, followed by their mom. The group buries their mother in a cement box in the garden, and the rest of the book follows their daily lives. It's fascinating, though it's reeks of 80s charm? I don't know if I should call it a charm. The book is called Cement Garden and it's written by Ian McEwan. I'm excited to finish it up! But I've been overloading my schedule with work, so finding some free time is a little difficult. I just hope it doesn't sit on my nightstand half-red like most of my books recently.

            You know what's also difficult? Finishing blog posts, I write my posts throughout the week so I always want to add more and more. It's a relaxing process for me, categorizing my thoughts into paragraphs. Though I have been stressed, I feel like this week has been easier to handle, being able to throw myself into work, has been therapeutic. Though I still can't sleep, I feel a little stressed still.