Days in the sun

     For once this year, dread hasn't filled my body. I wouldn't say I'm happy, I'm just fine with existing. I'm fine with being alive, being on earth isn't as tiring. Summer is easier to handle. I feel free.

                    I'm an alien learning to live in a human world. It's getting easier.

 

                                                                    I hope things get better!

 

Sonnet 42

That thou hast her it is not all my grief,
And yet it may be said I loved her dearly,
That she hath thee is of my wailing chief,
A loss in love that touches me more nearly.
Loving offenders thus I will excuse ye,
Thou dost love her, because thou know'st I love her,
And for my sake even so doth she abuse me,
Suff'ring my friend for my sake to approve her.
If I lose thee, my loss is my love's gain,
And losing her, my friend hath found that loss,
Both find each other, and I lose both twain,
And both for my sake lay on me this cross,
But here's the joy, my friend and I are one,
Sweet flattery, then she loves but me alone.

 

Highschool : Closing Thoughts

     My first year of high-school was unexpected to put it nicely. Combined with this being the worst year of my life it was certainly strange. I started this year with bright eyed naivety, expecting high-school to be like The Breakfast Club. I started the year strong, pleasantly surprised at the kindness of upper-clansmen. But soon I'd be jaded to the coldness of the hallways I was faced with. 

                        Half way through the year I had the realization that even though I had friends that I was truly isolated. I had realized that I was not human, an alien from a terribly distant planet. I know, I sound poetically emo with this comparison, but I have good reason to think this. It seems that no one has ever understood me, finding me strange and unusual. I am considered the princess of weirdos, the jester of jesters. I have felt this thick fog of distance between me and my classmates that makes me feel alien, perhaps animal like. 

    Now, as the year is coming to a close I have come to the conclusion that High-School is dreadful and is in fact going to be hell moving forward. I am not excited for the rest of this mess. Ironically, I was right, high-school is just like The Breakfast Club.

“I am surrounded by some sort of wretched specters, not by people. They torment me as can torment only senseless visions, bad dreams, dregs of delirium, the drivel of nightmares and everything that passes down here for real life.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Invitation to a Beheading

Fire Walk With Me

             I've realized that I am too nice to people; I am too naive and I am too trusting. I offer my hand to people when they are on the brink of collapse even if it'll make me unhappy; I let others in, even though I know that they only will rip me apart inside out. I trust people to change, but the only change they will ever be content with is the change of the seasons. But somehow, after everything, I am still able to open myself up. Why? Why do I let myself go through this? What is wrong with me? My life isn't the fairy-tale I was promised; I am miserable. I just want to isolate myself, I want to no longer involve myself with the human race; for I feel I am no longer human, I am a wicked beast. What happened to me? I have no answer. I am a distant animal. I am a scared dog; and I swear if someone does anything else to hurt me, I will bite.

“I beheld the wretch-the miserable monster whom I had created.”

― Mary Shelly

Three of Swords

heartbreak, separation, sadness, grief, sorrow, upset, loss, trauma, tears